Balance

So I’ve found myself wondering why things tend to be falling apart and you start missing old parts of you. There was a time when nothing from the exterior really mattered as I found it a distraction that shouldn’t bother me.

Then time flew, months turned to years, and I let my guard down. Things happened as they always will happen, whether you want them or not… and I got tired and sick of most things. Let’s say colors weren’t so bright to me anymore.

Bit by bit, I forgot who I am, why I am, where I am. Lost in a land of confusion. I slept and ate less, I stopped writing, reading, I stopped enjoying things. Even a good movie wasn’t satisfying. I even started to drink a lot… The fucked up thing is that I started enjoying creating this persona that I always hated.

I rarely feel at peace… I rarely enjoy the sun. I admire summer but this summer it’s just fucking pointless. So.. what do I have to do?

Feels like I am talking to myself, trapped in my mind, where I dwell in a continuous fluctuation of bad thoughts, but I will publish this anyway. Probably someone with the same problem will feel at ease when reading this, or maybe somewhere in a distant or not-that distant future, I will read this thinking where I was and where I am at that point.

Anyway, what I want to say is that I came to realize that this is not me, this is not what I should do, this is not the right thing.

Change. A few months back was just a future plan and also my number one fear. Now I will do it.

I have to let go of some things and habits and refresh my ritual of existence. No more over-thinking and pursuing impossible goals. No more rushing and ruining good things. No more waiting around for useless stuff. No more flows of negativity. No more time wasted wondering what will happen and when. Right now, these few last weeks were just a line between waking up, waiting, waiting, wondering, doing absolutely nothing creative, wasting time not seeing anything with my eyes open.

I’m done being this one.

I have to reconnect with myself. I have my poetry, writing makes me feel good. I want to make a program of sleeping, at least 8 hours, because this lack of sleep is slowly killing me and much of my unhappiness is due to not sleeping.

I will study more art. I have a thing now for vectors, abstract art, I enjoy colors again. I will learn some new design software, I will start reading whatever I can get my hands on. My mind is filled with rotten junk that shouldn’t be there in the first place.

If I do this maybe I will regain my happiness. Maybe I will end up where I was supposed to be.

Science of the fourth dimension

I cannot honestly say every and each detail of what I am going through right now.

Things can be messy, can fall into a subtle sadness without getting the chance to open wide my eyes in the morning. But still I think about you.

Things can be rather weird, can go from normal to chaotic in just a second, now I laugh and feel motivated, the next minute I find myself looking at the moon with tears dancing down on my face.

I was written very sad, an essence that probably was once in a life time experiment. Who made me like this, why and for what purpose I am like this… maybe I will never know. Sometimes it is best not to know ahead, but just have a little percentage of faith that things would be better than before, and the answers will show when the question mark drops it’s mask and lets the gem shine bright.

Time.. Or the fourth dimension as they call it is an art of patience. Rome wasn’t built in a day.. But in the second someone thought about there being a masterpiece of a city. Same goes with everything else. Put your mind into something and it flourishes. You can do anything. You can overcome anything. You don’t need no one else but you to rise again.. A long-lost Phoenix that revives from golden ashes.

A second.. It probably took me a second to visualize your smile even if it wasn’t there…

Not that I agree with the absence of what you should get more of… but you should just smile often. Smile while looking in the mirror, smile while going out to buy coffee, smile when drinking the coffee you bought, smile when reading this. 🙂

I know what I have to do… It feels like I need courage to venture into this empty void that momentarily is defined as my life.
But at the last station, when the last raindrop hits the grass, the wind stops blowing, the time stands still and maybe… maybe you will be there.

It remains to be seen.